Maternal Fix

I’ve always had the remarkable ability to remain stone-faced in the event of a mass apocalypse, but this past week it’s been like my brain decided to take a shit break and leave me blubbering like an idiot who can’t remember where her glasses are.

(They’re on my face)

Let’s just say this week has been running off the bi-polar charts (from normal to it’s the gogdamn second coming). First off, the weather has just been a dick. It’s been raining on and off every twenty minutes, and I just can’t take it anymore. My psyche is cracking under the tension of never knowing if I’ll be buried under snow in ten minutes, or broiling alive. And it makes predicting when I can and cannot ride my motorcycle a living nightmare. And worse still when I predict wrong.

Rain hurts. A lot.

Then my classes were taking a cue from the weather and go just as crazy, if not more. The main culprit was my Agriculture Accounting class. Now let me tell you something, the boredom that ensues from this class is so overwhelming that just thinking about it puts me in a state of drooling stupor. My brain just simply cannot function fully when faced with words like “variation equity”. I have a theory that accountants are really a working class of ants that disguises themselves as a human with the sole purpose of creating a brain tumor in the shape of a calculator. (That’s how they get us)

I had a mental break-down in the middle of this normally stupefying class when two hours (on top of an already four hour invested work load) magically disappeared off my USB. IT’S MAGIC. TA-DA. Watch the magic tears magically sprout from my magic face. MAGIC.

Soon as I got my wits about me, and I redid the entire thing, our professor’s wife came in toting donuts. It was like fate was rewarding me for regressing into an elementary school state of mind. Life’s just not fair, I just want to go out to recess, and computer magic is screwing everything up! Now shut up and eat a donut.

So I did.

I then came home and found the incredibly cheap book I’d purchased came in. A-Z of Canine Diseases and Health Problems. It’s like a handy dandy Merck Manual quick reference. (Excuse me, my nerd is showing). This thing made my day, it was like Christmas came early in the form of $4. Yesssss.

But then the final straw happened. All these little frustration had built up over the week, so little in fact that I don’t even recall ANY of them, but they were most definitely there. And finally my package from my mother arrived. I had recently updated my computer to Windows 7 (I’m so hip), but unfortunately I needed to redownload pretty much all of my programs, including Photoshop CS3. And so mom shipped it to me.

Well, to her benefit, photosmart and photoshop do sound a lot alike.

I wasn’t even particularly upset over not having photoshop. I’m an adult, I kept telling myself, and it’s just a program. Inform mom and she’ll send it right away. Not even a deal.

But for some reason, I was just completely devastated, and incredibly inconsolable. The whole week exploded from my eyes like a sprinkler system, and I didn’t even have one thought to grasp on to that could explain my sudden depression. So I did what any other girl in college would do. Turned my pillow into a giant Kleenex and when I calmed down into a hiccupping mess I called my mother and started again.

If I believed in God, I’d tell you now that Mothers were the most perfect thing ever made by this God, and everything else was just by-product. Within just a few minutes she had me calmed, okay with my week, and feeling better than I had in almost a month. The stew of rage that had been bubbling in the recesses of my mind had been drained in an instant.

Why the hell was I crying? Man, I felt stupid. I’m pretty sure my mom has a “make daughter sane” button she just has to reboot every so often, and only she has the ability to do it.