Gears A-Turning

I've had a lot on my mind lately, and oddly with my time in Missouri growing shorter I seem to be becoming calmer. There was a time in my life where I'd managed to find a sort of inner peace. I felt okay with myself, with the world. It was that feeling you find when listening to rain, or sitting in a field far from the city. Staring into starry space, and when you watch someone you love sleep. Listening to truly touching classical music, or the feeling you have after a particularly moving film. That state - that moment in time is what I strive for in my life. That is what "calm and assertive" means to me. 

But I have a chronic problem that had plagued my life. I'm still trying to figure this out. I have overwhelming feelings of guilt. And it comes without precedence. For example, I've learned to ride horses this past year. Yet when I think of this, I have an inexplicable feeling of guilt bubbling up in my thoughts. All my life there has been this emotion that resembles regret, remorse, or even shame that seems to grow from no where. I've come to question if it is merely a mis-labeled emotion. It feels similar to guilt, but it has no business showing up when it does. 

I've finally overcome this recent guilt trip that has infested my mind for the past month. I've done nothing to warrant the feeling, I assure you, and I am relieved to be rid of it once more. 

That aside, something else I've been mulling over in my mind is marriage. I think marriage has been made into a mandatory tradition in some households - and has become something of a golden idol to worship. It's exalted and revered as the ultimate goal for any go-getter young adult. But I think we are coming to a new horizon where we may need to re-evaluate our priorities. Do we really need to be mass producing in this world struggling to contain us, let alone provide for us? 

But let's say you do decide to marry. You found one who is your perfect match, and love the idea of a recognized bond and commitment to them. I pose a question that many cannot seem to understand (let alone consider): what is your rush? Why must you be married right now? If a lifetime with your other is what you strive for, why would you need to mess up the most romantic part of your life by making it go too quickly? Why would you ruin it with hectic chaos that is the constraint of time, when in the end - time is all you will have? I suppose, being one without religious obligations (about, say, premarital sex) I just don't see the wisdom in making the best months (or years) of your life one big racetrack.   

We seem to be stuck in a rut of "tradition". "Our parents lived this way, and so did theirs. They did just fine - so why change it?" Advancement, making large jumps and changes seems to frighten people. This chronic "close-mindedness" to anything new has inhibited out progress. 

While probably inaccurate, I do enjoy this chart, which shows my point:

My grandfather is afraid to use his computer, yet he has one of the most brilliant minds I've ever seen. His ability to understand mechanics, and his ability to look at the wider scope and create metaphors to relate his knowledge to the real world just floors me. But this intelligent and wise man is frightened by this new well of knowledge. He refuses to even tinker around with the machine - he is so set in his ways that he is denying himself what has grown to be the world at your fingertips. 

My Aunt is so set in what her perception of God is that she refuses to even consider another's opinion. She can brush it off as "satan trying to confuse her." She's hardly ever left her small home outside Piedmont, the town she grew up in. I am unsure if she's ever been outside of Missouri/Illinois. She's become content with her home inside a little town, and she has a wonderful life with her loving husband and tight-knit community, but she's denied herself the sights and sounds of the rest of the world. The wisdom contained out their in new lands is so immense. I am so thankful at my opportunity to go to school out of state. I can't imagine my life had my everything been Missouri. 

I have friends, pretty much all my friends, who are set in their Religion. They do not see the cage around them, even thought they built it themselves. They have the traditional mindset of "keeping in the community". They find the safety in being with only their own religious kin, and have built walls around themselves. Much as a famous writer lamented, (paraphrased) "I fear hell will not be thrust upon us. I fear that we will not have our free will taken forcefully. No, I fear that one day we will hand it over willingly in woven baskets. We will skip willfully to our own demise, humming a tune." The mormons have one particular "rule" (not that they see it as such) that has always bothered me. They can only marry in the Temple. The only ones allowed in their precious Temples are other LDS member.  And so, the only ones they can marry are other mormons. I see this as boundaries. As a limiting field that restricts and chokes it inhabitants. They see it as a liberating opportunity to be with they one they love "forever". Even though everyone goes to heaven regardless? I'm still trying to figure out their objection to civil marriages. An unfortunate wording seems to be the source of the problem. "Until death do we part" seems to mean the marriage is null and void in their minds I suppose. I try not to think about it too much. 

These "traditions" have limited and crushed many opportunities  to expand our mind and knowledge. We choke off so many routes and forks in the road, and take only the well worn, safe, and beaten path of life. Seen by many, with nothing left to be seen. 

I'm not accusing anyone of anything, nor do I expect anyone to change because of a late-night ramble from yours truly. I'm merely voicing my dissatisfaction with some things I've observed. Rushed marriages, rose-colored glasses, unwarranted guilt and religious bashing aside, I suppose I'm just making some notes for myself. But maybe someone will take something from this, and question their lifestyle. Maybe they'll take a chance they never thought they would. And maybe I'm just dreaming.

Maybe I should be dreaming. 

Good night.