I don't know if I just have a headache from so much school work or what, but my patience has been run thin. I'm still trying to figure out some social situations, and I feel like the more I think about it the more disconnected I get.
In the past I've been defensive, and paranoid about what people's intentions are, and while that may have worked in middle school where everyone is rude, snarky and intentionally rude, that way of being became inefficient early in high school. So I moved on to ignoring most everyone, and felt like a point of gossip and ridicule for most people. Late in high school and during my SCC years I switched it up to laid back. This was by far the most pleasant experience I've ever had, but I felt rather blasé about social interactions, and wasn't connecting with anyone.
There must be a balance between emotional attachment and disinterest in the ignorant while feeling a part of the group without being hurt over stupid things being said or done.
Today I looked out the window of my Ag Accounting class and was slightly blinded by the snow covered mountains and it struck me.
The past two weeks I've struggled to look at the stars, to the point of longingly watching the glow-in-the-dark stars on our ceiling with reverence. I breathe in deep on my motorcycle in the outskirts of the town, smelling the farmland and country air. I lingered outside school buildings when it began sprinkling, and sat in silence listening to the fountain in our apartment with a sort of meditation mindset.
I've been craving nature. Balance and peace of mind. I've been struggling to handle my own emotions and moods, my energy and my mind by overthinking solutions. When all along my body knew exactly what I needed. I need some outdoor activity. I need to go and find peace with myself by not focusing on myself.
I need a hammock in my chaotic life.
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