Need some quiet time

I don't know if I just have a headache from so much school work or what, but my patience has been run thin. I'm still trying to figure out some social situations, and I feel like the more I think about it the more disconnected I get.

In the past I've been defensive, and paranoid about what people's intentions are, and while that may have worked in middle school where everyone is rude, snarky and intentionally rude, that way of being became inefficient early in high school. So I moved on to ignoring most everyone, and felt like a point of gossip and ridicule for most people. Late in high school and during my SCC years I switched it up to laid back. This was by far the most pleasant experience I've ever had, but I felt rather blasé about social interactions, and wasn't connecting with anyone.

There must be a balance between emotional attachment and disinterest in the ignorant while feeling a part of the group without being hurt over stupid things being said or done.

Today I looked out the window of my Ag Accounting class and was slightly blinded by the snow covered mountains and it struck me.

The past two weeks I've struggled to look at the stars, to the point of longingly watching the glow-in-the-dark stars on our ceiling with reverence. I breathe in deep on my motorcycle in the outskirts of the town, smelling the farmland and country air. I lingered outside school buildings when it began sprinkling, and sat in silence listening to the fountain in our apartment with a sort of meditation mindset. 

I've been craving nature. Balance and peace of mind. I've been struggling to handle my own emotions and moods, my energy and my mind by overthinking solutions. When all along my body knew exactly what I needed. I need some outdoor activity. I need to go and find peace with myself by not focusing on myself.

I need a hammock in my chaotic life. 

Education at its finest

As some of you know, school has started this week. I've gone through the headache of attending all of my classes at least once, and all I have to say is I will miss spending all my time at the livestock center (however 2/5 classes are there this semester). 

I jumped into Feeds & Nutrition and skipped taking the college algebra and chemistry requirements. I understand chemistry pretty well, considering I've never had a formal education in it, and let's face it - if you can't do algebra, you're an idiot. But it seems like I may be usurped in this decision, for today I will be talking to Dr. Waddoups about going on the graduate school. 

I feel I'm standing at the fork in the road of my life. I've narrowed what I want to do to two options, and I'm having a hard time figuring out if I should choose Brain Path: Veterinary School, or Heart Path: Animal Behavior Doctorate. I've always love animals, and the two subjects I most definitely excel at are animal behavior/handling, and anatomy/physiology. 

My father has always had a love of psychology, and understanding why people do what they do. I think this curiousness has rubbed off on me. Except I love understanding the creatures not speaking to me. It's a bit more of a challenge, and is quickly becoming a more advanced field. We're grasping intangible concepts such as energy, which I describe as body language meets intention. Cesar Millan describes it as your state of being at all times. Are you calm? Are you acting like a leader? Are you frustrated? That's your energy, and your dog reads it all the time. That's what makes them so unique when communicating with us.

Speaking of Cesar, I'm reading "Cesar's Rules" at the moment, and this last chapter I read last night struck a chord with me. I've worked very hard at making Apollo balanced and submission. He's not perfect, he still snaps at Addea, barks at the neighbor's dogs, and gets too excited about certain subjects (i.e. food). But he listens to me at all times, he's very submissive on walks, and understands correction very quickly (oh, I shouldn't jump on you when you're feeding me). But Cesar was regaling a visit with Dr. Ian Dunbar, and how all tricks needed an end. I've always used my energy to release Apollo from a trick, but it's never consistently worked. I've never trained him that after the "sit" trick, there should be a "stand" trick. I felt a humongous "DUH" moment when reading that. Why had I never done that? 

Another important thing Cesar talks about is off leash training. I've never been confident in letting Apollo off leash outside an enclosed area, partly because of my fear that one day he may take off running. He's never shown any indication that he would do this, and I feel like a fool going against my own wisdom (whatever you believe will happen, will) but I think if Apollo's recall or "sit" command was more reliable, I would feel better. Apollo has a bad problem of just looking at me when I tell him to come. I have the bad habit of asking nicely (meekly) and have to work my way up to a commanding "Apollo, come!" until he listens. He always waits for me to be a leader, and I kick myself for not being that at the beginning. 

Another problem I've worked with over the years is asking him to be quiet and calm when a guest arrives. He barks, and jumps, and I've never been consistent with correcting that. One of my main problems is our family has sanctioned off our kitchen and living room as dog zones. It's hard to answer the door and correct the dogs at the same time when we are in separate rooms. It would be nice to place a sign on the door "Dogs in training, please be patient. The door will be answered shortly" Maybe even a "Be calm when entering this house! Don't look, don't touch and no eye contact with dogs!" People may get the wrong idea, our dogs are not aggressive in any way, but if they were in a calm state of mind when entering the house, it helps take away excited energy and makes training the dogs that much easier. The signs would be temporary, because I don't expect everyone who enters our house to conform to an energy that is not natural to them. 

Anyway, these are just some thought I had this morning, and I'm glad to get them off my chest. There's really no use in thinking about what I can do with Apollo right now, he's half the country away. But it's good to have a game plan!

Facebook; All Book No Face

Everyone makes fun of Facebook for being a perfect stalking tool, and while its funny to joke about - in retrospect it is. You can see where people have been in their photos, what they've been doing and how they feel in their statuses, and often what kind of person they are because of those ridiculous quizzes (assuming, of course, that you take those seriously). But who said this was a bad thing?
I'm definitely a bit of a ghost on facebook as far as social interactions through it is concerned. There's a tight-knit group who I chat with almost constantly online, but beyond that I'm more interested in the informal "I'll check your wall to see whats up" rather than talk to you. Which comes in handy. I do have people ask me, "Have you heard from so-and-so?" "Why yes, so-and-so's going to a concert tonight!" Have I spoken to this person recently? Not in months! But I still feel a sense of connection, like the friendship was never really lost, because I am still aware of you and what's going on with your life - which believe it or not I do find interesting.
I make it a point to read through my wall every day down until the last post I read from the day before (which often is mine, because I have a terrible tendency to post at 4 in the morning). I may not have the time nor interest to reply to everything I read, but I get to check up on people I care about.
Which brings me to my next point - I don't friend people unless I truly want to hear from them. And because I only want to hear from people who I am actually friends with (not just any random joe), my friend list is actually at a mere 71 people. (It was at 69, which I found hilarious, for a very long time).
However, this doesn't mean I friend everyone who I know personally. There are some people you can put up with in real life, but online there seems little purpose. If you update your status over 3 times a day, chances are I will unfriend you (although I've taken to merely banishing any posts from you from my port lately - it seems less harsh). Also, if I think how I present myself through facebook may be offensive to you in a way I know you will be constantly berating me for, I will not friend you. My online self is more brazen without the confrontation of a physical being standing me down. But sometimes I make an offhand comment without much thought - but I don't particularly wish to be lectured for voicing my opinion sometimes.
And that's what it boils down to. The internet is for voicing opinion (the social side of it).

This rant isn't really stemming from anything, I just thought it might be nice to explain why I don't have a million friends, and why I don't friend some of the people who request it. Just a rant, in the end.

Gears A-Turning

I've had a lot on my mind lately, and oddly with my time in Missouri growing shorter I seem to be becoming calmer. There was a time in my life where I'd managed to find a sort of inner peace. I felt okay with myself, with the world. It was that feeling you find when listening to rain, or sitting in a field far from the city. Staring into starry space, and when you watch someone you love sleep. Listening to truly touching classical music, or the feeling you have after a particularly moving film. That state - that moment in time is what I strive for in my life. That is what "calm and assertive" means to me. 

But I have a chronic problem that had plagued my life. I'm still trying to figure this out. I have overwhelming feelings of guilt. And it comes without precedence. For example, I've learned to ride horses this past year. Yet when I think of this, I have an inexplicable feeling of guilt bubbling up in my thoughts. All my life there has been this emotion that resembles regret, remorse, or even shame that seems to grow from no where. I've come to question if it is merely a mis-labeled emotion. It feels similar to guilt, but it has no business showing up when it does. 

I've finally overcome this recent guilt trip that has infested my mind for the past month. I've done nothing to warrant the feeling, I assure you, and I am relieved to be rid of it once more. 

That aside, something else I've been mulling over in my mind is marriage. I think marriage has been made into a mandatory tradition in some households - and has become something of a golden idol to worship. It's exalted and revered as the ultimate goal for any go-getter young adult. But I think we are coming to a new horizon where we may need to re-evaluate our priorities. Do we really need to be mass producing in this world struggling to contain us, let alone provide for us? 

But let's say you do decide to marry. You found one who is your perfect match, and love the idea of a recognized bond and commitment to them. I pose a question that many cannot seem to understand (let alone consider): what is your rush? Why must you be married right now? If a lifetime with your other is what you strive for, why would you need to mess up the most romantic part of your life by making it go too quickly? Why would you ruin it with hectic chaos that is the constraint of time, when in the end - time is all you will have? I suppose, being one without religious obligations (about, say, premarital sex) I just don't see the wisdom in making the best months (or years) of your life one big racetrack.   

We seem to be stuck in a rut of "tradition". "Our parents lived this way, and so did theirs. They did just fine - so why change it?" Advancement, making large jumps and changes seems to frighten people. This chronic "close-mindedness" to anything new has inhibited out progress. 

While probably inaccurate, I do enjoy this chart, which shows my point:

My grandfather is afraid to use his computer, yet he has one of the most brilliant minds I've ever seen. His ability to understand mechanics, and his ability to look at the wider scope and create metaphors to relate his knowledge to the real world just floors me. But this intelligent and wise man is frightened by this new well of knowledge. He refuses to even tinker around with the machine - he is so set in his ways that he is denying himself what has grown to be the world at your fingertips. 

My Aunt is so set in what her perception of God is that she refuses to even consider another's opinion. She can brush it off as "satan trying to confuse her." She's hardly ever left her small home outside Piedmont, the town she grew up in. I am unsure if she's ever been outside of Missouri/Illinois. She's become content with her home inside a little town, and she has a wonderful life with her loving husband and tight-knit community, but she's denied herself the sights and sounds of the rest of the world. The wisdom contained out their in new lands is so immense. I am so thankful at my opportunity to go to school out of state. I can't imagine my life had my everything been Missouri. 

I have friends, pretty much all my friends, who are set in their Religion. They do not see the cage around them, even thought they built it themselves. They have the traditional mindset of "keeping in the community". They find the safety in being with only their own religious kin, and have built walls around themselves. Much as a famous writer lamented, (paraphrased) "I fear hell will not be thrust upon us. I fear that we will not have our free will taken forcefully. No, I fear that one day we will hand it over willingly in woven baskets. We will skip willfully to our own demise, humming a tune." The mormons have one particular "rule" (not that they see it as such) that has always bothered me. They can only marry in the Temple. The only ones allowed in their precious Temples are other LDS member.  And so, the only ones they can marry are other mormons. I see this as boundaries. As a limiting field that restricts and chokes it inhabitants. They see it as a liberating opportunity to be with they one they love "forever". Even though everyone goes to heaven regardless? I'm still trying to figure out their objection to civil marriages. An unfortunate wording seems to be the source of the problem. "Until death do we part" seems to mean the marriage is null and void in their minds I suppose. I try not to think about it too much. 

These "traditions" have limited and crushed many opportunities  to expand our mind and knowledge. We choke off so many routes and forks in the road, and take only the well worn, safe, and beaten path of life. Seen by many, with nothing left to be seen. 

I'm not accusing anyone of anything, nor do I expect anyone to change because of a late-night ramble from yours truly. I'm merely voicing my dissatisfaction with some things I've observed. Rushed marriages, rose-colored glasses, unwarranted guilt and religious bashing aside, I suppose I'm just making some notes for myself. But maybe someone will take something from this, and question their lifestyle. Maybe they'll take a chance they never thought they would. And maybe I'm just dreaming.

Maybe I should be dreaming. 

Good night.